"The Penis-like Sausage In which metaphors are inappropriate Her nose perched on her face like a seagull, arching its wings to create two well-defined nostrils. The mouth below was thin as if actually consisting of only one dimension, like the loops which are the fundamental building blocks of all matter in string theory. Her eyes were blue as a flower. Brown from the sun, her skin was unblemished and pure like a paint sample of Crown brand "Sandstorm". Her stomach was as flat as the Earth was once believed to be. She moved as lightly as a mote of dust gamboling in a sunbeam passing through the stained glass window of a French Gothic cathedral. Her breasts stood up proudly like twin tin soldiers. Looking at her made him feel an uncontrollable urge to vomit forth his innermost feelings, straight at her. He looked away at the sky, which had broken out in the blotched acne of sunset." ~Howard Mittelmark and Sandra Newman, How Not To Write A Novel
In the tradition of lol_typo and wrongworddammit, I present "its_like_what": the community for sharing all those similes/metaphors/whatever which are inappropriate, disturbing, or funny, whether intentionally so or not.
The Rules, ganked from lol_typo with some modifications:
1) OPs must post a specific simile or metaphor which they considered strange or funny.
2) You must use lj-cuts in the OP if: a) the post includes pictures, even small ones. b) the post includes Not Safe For Work elements, and the lj-cut text must include 'NSFW'.
3) Don't comment on the author or the OP-er, but feel free to rip the typo itself apart. Comments regarding WTF-ery levels are allowed. So are bad puns, horrible one-liners, and risque adlibs from the peanut gallery.
4) If your comment response includes a macro, I'd prefer it if you post a link rather than the pic itself. Some people are still on dial-up. Threads that devolve into macro 'conversations' seriously slow download time. The exception to this is when one of the Mods puts up the "Macros away!" tag.
5) Do NOT delete your own posts and/or comments UNLESS you have explicit Moderator approval. We're all grown-ups here, we shouldn't need to delete anything because we're embarrassed or don't like the response we get. If you feel a post or comment has been made in error or isn't 'kosher' let me know and I'll consider the request for deletion.
6) Cross-posting (within reason, ie- from a personal journal) or posting something from another comm is 100% fine but you MUST include either A) A link to the original post OR B) A mention of "Originally posted on fanficrants or whichever comm you found/made it on. We'll leave it up to you which option you choose to take. If it was not found on LJ, please put "From a (insert fandom here) fic or found on (random website)" as appropriate.