its_like_what

Now affiliated with hntw_fic; "How Not To Write Fiction". General sporking and discussion comm. Hope to see some people there!

I had to giggle at a line in a fic which described a shut-in as being "like a clam wrapped in duct tape". Do people normally wrap clams in duct tape?

"Be good," he called after her as he bit back the tears in his eyes.

Thanks to source and crysania4's hilarious post over at wrongworddammit. :)

I found out about the infamously gross works of Mangogirl via TVTropes, and decided to see if they were really that bad. They are. One line in The Forsaken Cow (VERY not-work-safe or brain-safe) caught my eye:

... her ass jiggled and undulated as she moved like a pair of fine jello molds strapped to the wheels of a motorcycle.

When has the author strapped jello molds to the wheels of a motorcycle?

I'll just leave this here and let you have at it, shall I?

( Macro, NSFW )

One fic describes the hero's sword as being "sharper than an icicle from Hell". Isn't Hell generally considered a bit warmer than is optimum for the formation of icicles? Well, I guess Dante's version of the Ninth Circle was encased in ice, but considering the fic's level of literacy I doubt the author knew that.

( NSFW-ish )

Quite apart from anything else, these are pure-blood wizards in the Harry Potter universe. How do they know what radar is?

Hi all,

Please forgive the slightly off-topic post. I am looking for really terrible passages from professionally published (not self-published) novels. They must have some fantasy or SF element to them; paranormal romance would be ideal. R-rated is fine but I'd prefer to avoid X-rated. (The famous "Her nipples went spung" passage from Robert Heinlein's The Number of the Beast is about as far as I would go, though I will make exceptions for truly hilarious euphemisms and magical/shapeshifting/zero-gee sex.) I know you're all fans of hilariously bad writing, and I hope you have some favorite examples to share!

No need to retype the whole thing; as long as it's in print, the title, edition, and page number are fine. Bonus points if I can find it with Amazon's Read Inside feature.

Thank you so much for the help!

(x-posted to weepingcock and its_like_what)

"Lines from Stories I'll Never Write", parts 1, 2, and 3. These are absolute satiric GENIUS. Not all of them are bad similes/metaphors, but several are, and I shall list those here. The links won't work unless you have a Furaffinity account, but take my word for it, I could not make these up.
( NSFW, obviously. )

This guy is a genius. Seriously. And before you ask, he has indeed written some perfectly serious stuff which is not riddled with ridiculous comparisons and bad puns, so it is clear he's just kidding around with this lot.